Magic Ain't So Bad
by Drauchenfyre
Summary: Before the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry learns about Dudley's 'interesting' year...


**Magic Ain't So Bad**

A Harry Potter Fanfiction

by Drauchenfyre

SUMMARY: Before the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry learns about Dudley's 'interesting' year...

Characters: Harry Potter, Dudley Dursley, Lisa Turpin

A/N: This story is canon up to the point of one major deviation: It was Ron, not Dobby, who died during the escape from Malfoy Manor.

STORY

Harry Potter couldn't believe his eyes. Here, in the Room of Requirement, the forces of Light were gathering to make their stand against Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Looking across the Room, Harry saw a face he never thought he'd see again. He turned to Hermione at his side.

"I'll be right back, sweetie, I think I see someone I need to talk to."

Harry's girlfriend looked in the direction he was looking and scowled. She and Harry were a relatively new couple, having only really gotten together in grief after Ron's death at Malfoy Manor. She was probably one of the few in the room who recognized the young man who had just emerged from the portrait hole, having seen pictures of him during Harry's 'rescue' the previous summer- a foolishly complicated plan that had cost them Alastor Moody and Harry's familiar Hedwig.

"Sure you wanna go over there, dear? I think I can transfigure him into a flobberworm from here."

Harry smiled briefly and said, "No dear, Dudley and I were mending fences over the summer. If Hestia brought him here, he must be here to help."

Harry made his way across the room to where Hestia Jones, Order member, and Dudley Dursley, Harry's cousin and childhood tormentor, stood talking to Order members Kingsley Shacklebolt and "Don't-Call-Me-Nymphadora" Tonks.

"Big D. Wasn't sure I'd ever see you again."

Dudley turned. "Harry," he said, looking mildly surprised. Harry could see things were rough for his cousin recently- he'd lost what fat he'd had left last summer, replacing it with muscle. A jagged scar ran down his left cheek, narrowly missing the corner of his eye. His casual clothes had given way to combat boots, camo fatigue pants, and a flak jacket over a brown t-shirt. From his multi-pouched belt hung both a Glock-7 in a holster and a silver shortsword. His face was leaner, shadowed under the eyes and had at least two days' growth of stubble, and his blonde hair was, for the first time in Harry's memory, shaggy and unkempt.

"Sweet Merlin, Dud, what happened?"

His cousin got a haunted look in his eyes as he replied, "Death Eaters. We were in hiding less than a month when they raided the place. Mum got taken out in their first volley with a Blasting Hex. Dad fought back, took like three of them with him, but they AK'ed him in the back in the end. Dedalus was hit with a flame-whip just before Hestia grabbed me and Portkeyed us out of there. We ended up in Sherwood Forest- ironic, if you ask me. Hestia and I had a long talk, and she agreed to help me train, and fight. Late November, we and a few other fugitives we'd gathered up, hit one of those Camps they were shoving Muggleborns into. We killed six Death Eaters, a dozen werewolves, and freed about a hundred prisoners. After that, because we were working out of Sherwood Forest, the Muggleborn started calling me 'Robin Hood' and we formed our own Resistance. Some of your friends ended up with us- Shack, Lee Jordan, the Weasley Twins, several members of the Order of the Phoenix. We kept hitting the Camps, must've killed a hundred Deez by now, and most of the Weres in Britain went down under our silver blades and bullets. Lost a few when we had to retreat, particularly if they called in those damn dementors- but we took out a few of them too. Lisa- Turpin, she's a Ravenclaw in your year- got her hands on a military-surplus flamethrower and found out it turns dementors into little piles of ash. The Twins told me you'd want to know that we took out that Toad-Woman, Umbridge, around New Year's, and some guy called Yaxley went down during our own Valentine's Day Massacre."

Harry was gobsmacked. Here, he and Hermione had been in hiding, hunting Horcruxes, and his Muggle cousin had been the face of the Resistance. He and Hermione had heard about the 'Merry Men' led by 'Robin Hood' on Lee Jordan's 'Potterwatch', and heard about some of their earlier escapades from Fleur and Griphook during their stay at Shell Cottage- Bill had been in shock for days after they buried his baby brother on the bluff overlooking the sea.

Harry was brought out of his reverie by a dark-haired, dark-eyed girl dressed like Dudley walking up to them. She was half a head shorter than Harry (which made her a head-and-a-half shorter than Dudley) with an athletic figure, and her long hair pulled back by a navy-blue scarf. "Dudley," the young woman said, "the troops are ready. Sniper Team Red is taking position on Gryffindor Tower, and Blue is on the Astronomy Tower. Squads Alpha, Beta, Delta and Gamma are in position on the grounds, and Omega Squad is positioned to defend the Hospital Wing."

"Thanks, Marian," replied Dudley with a smirk.

"Dudley Malcolm Dursley, how many times do I have to tell you not to call me that!"

"You're the one who insisted it was good for morale if I didn't stop the troops from calling me Robin Hood, Lisa," Dudley replied, still smirking. "It stands to reason that it's good for morale for my girlfriend to be called 'Maid Marian'."

Lisa Turpin, Muggleborn Ravenclaw, glared at her Muggle boyfriend, scowling. "I have things to do to prepare for the battle, tough guy. Harry, nice seeing you." With a brief nod in Harry's direction, Lisa spun around and marched out.

Harry quirked his eyebrow at his cousin. "Was it a good idea to get her riled up like that?"

Dudley grinned and said, "One, she's that much fiercer in battle when she's mad at me. Two, she's a hellcat in bed when you combine battle-adrenaline and makeup sex!"

Feeling slightly nauseous, Harry replied, "Sorry I asked."

-SCENE BREAK-

The battle was fierce and bloody, but with Dudley's disciplined troops, the Death Eaters were decimated. During the conflict, Dudley personally accounted for Fenrir Greyback, Rabastan LeStrange, and Antonin Dolohov. He also pulled Nym Tonks out of the line of fire in time to avoid Bellatrix's Killing Curse before delivering a silver-jacketed lead 'persuader' into Bella's left shoulder, forcing her to retreat.

Lisa, true to Dudley's words, slew her way across the battlefield in a manner that unnerved even her allies. Thorfinn Rowle, Rodolphus LeStrange and Theodore Nott fell to her blade, while her wand added Gregory Goyle and Simon Avery to the undertaker's schedule. She, in turn, turned Greyback aside with a well-placed pepper grenade (before his fateful encounter with Dudley, of course), in the process saving Remus Lupin and Lavender Brown from his bloodlust.

-SCENE BREAK-

**TWENTY YEARS LATER**

(A/N: Honestly, why 19 years later? That's just pointlessly weird.)

Harry and Hermione Potter walked through King's Cross Station on September 1st. Alongside them, Daniel James Potter, Third Year Ravenclaw, and Lillian Emma Potter, First Year Unsorted, pushed their trolleys containing their school trunks and, in Daniel's case, an owl cage containing Puck, the Great Horned Owl that Harry had bought for him to share with his sister for owl-post. Not that that was as important as in their day- Hermione had made a mint when she invented the PowerTap magical battery, which powered and protected Muggle technology from magical interference- by redirecting said interference into powering said technology. Both Danny and Lily had Pottertech cell phones in their school trunks, as well as Danny's laptop computer and GameBoy. Trailing along, holding his mother's hand, was little Evan Sirius Potter, six years old. All three children had Harry's dark hair (though only Evan's was impossibly messy) and startling green eyes, but otherwise looked like their mother's children.

As the five Potters approached the entrance to Platform 9 3/4, Harry heard a familiar voice cry, "Harry! Wait up!"

Harry and Hermione turned to see Dudley Dursley rushing toward them, a blond-haired, drak-eyed girl with a school trunk in tow. Harry and Dudley had become good friends after hashing out their childhoods (namely, beating the crap out of each other, then sharing a few beers- you know, how _guys _resolve problems), to the point where Harry was godfather to the blond girl next to Dudley- his and Lisa's oldest daughter, Ophelia Rose Dursley, who was starting Hogwarts this year with her best friend, Lily.

Dudley closed the distance and said, "Glad I caught you lot. Lisa was called into the office this morning- seems her most aggravating client went on another bender and needed her legal representation. Unfortunately, she didn't have time to tell me how to find the bloody platform!"

Hermione, proving some things never change, snapped, "Dudley! Language! And in front of the children!"

Harry winced and replied to Dudley, "Again, huh? Does this mean poor Astoria will be putting Scorpius on the train alone today?"

Dudley grinned sheepishly and replied, "Probably. With his rap sheet, I don't see Director Lupin letting him out of the Tank before his arraignment. You know how she gets when Deez and their spawn show up in her cells- hits them with everything she can legally throw at them."

"So who's watching the younglings?"

"Rolf and Luna took them today. Their twins doesn't start until next year, you know, so they don't have to race for the train."

"Ah."

"Well, shall we, then?"

Together, the five Potters and two Dursleys turned and walked through the seemingly-solid wall and onto the platform to send three of their number off to Hogwarts.

-END-


End file.
